April 1st, 1973

[continued]

It just seems like such a sad, small, pitiful thing to be loved by someone and not love them in return. I do not dislike Billy– I genuinely wish I had loved him– I searched my heart and I do not think I could not respond to him because of any neurotic system inside of me.

It makes me ache to tell someone who says they love me that I do not love them. But then too, I do not believe that Billy does love me. I think his feelings are rooted in a lot of other inner needs– but that is not love.

and so the story goes.

I guess in two or three years it will be easier for Billy to go on. The pain to my soul currently (over Gary) was a pinprick compared to the slashes suffered with Tony– with so many others. 

Billy said he wished people could wear signs stamped on their foreheads that said “One Night Stand.”

He left wrapped in his own drama.