April 3rd, 1976
Long conversation last night with Ross about the need for use of therapy in human life. How life can become off-centered and destructive. And the approaches made by therapy to heal the wounds.
The suffering I experience at the absence of all the props I’ve had about me for so long. Having a lover– an identity– a home. Now drifting through these blank days living in my bare apartment longing for love.
Learning so much about Larry these days.
Being pitifully positive.
Feel very sure Richard and I will not be back together. I’ve got to accept that.
The need for euphoria.
Romantic fantasy carries with it the lure of unfathomable bliss.
My need for religion and my inability to accept my own life. Last night I spent the night at the baths. In the orgy room, my first orgy. Love it. Marvelous sexual experience. My attitude toward sexual freedom has become extremely positive. For the first time in my life, I am feeling very casual and positive about sex. Yet, I can’t balance it with social philosophy and religious dogma. The booze, the dope, the cigarettes, the weary collapses. The bare apartment, the loneliness, the empty confusing fast-paced, demanding the need for stimulation hard-working energetic
future. The relationships that continue to fail.
Trying desperately to have an identity. A future.
Being alive continues to enchant me.
It feels good to be an intelligent, good looking gay man– 25 years old. Historically living in the capital of bizarre culture.
Ego Ego Ego
One’s participation in culture should provide a gentle sweet self-masturbation
And yet I know that tonight my cousins and members of my family are buzzing mentally to television sets across the country in sad small-town houses with house smells and kitchen leftover dinner and kids in bed and tired bored non-active minds. And the television blares on. Oh God, I shall continue to un-become what I was. What I know.
Off in the city seeking fame and drama and a long life and happiness.
Stoned and drunk, dahling.