April 3rd, 1978

I start my second month in the house. I look back on the past year of my life with a certain disbelief. This time a year ago I was still living in Mary’s apartment with Gregg as a roommate. The broken leg, the sweltering summer, my father’s death, the lonely unhappy months in Dennis’ apartment, all blur quickly into one sad memory.

And here I am now– a cool grey late afternoon. Left work early today. Very leisurely week or so at work. I’m taking advantage of a rare slow period with long lunches and little sprees. Today I took the subway to a second-hand clothing store off Dupont Circle. Not a typical store. In fact it’s really just a small one room ablaze with colorful display of flamboyant old clothes– bell gowns and jewelry– as well as mostly recent cast-offs. I bought a brown pin-striped collarless shirt with a Neiman Marcus label for $8.

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The hardest part is this: trying to really feel happy. After such a long period of time with traumas exploding around me like bombs going off in my world.

It seems to me that I may have a personality who exists for the sole purpose of suffering– that part of me that bears pain. That nervous crazy one that dreams of death and aches with human sorrows and torments and who toils and strains with effort at the details of life and barely lives with his preoccupation with danger and anxiety. 

I’ve been aware of a real conflict recently between this personality and those parts of me that respond to health and happiness. They don’t seem to be able to coexist– and the struggle for attention between the two is an energy drain for me.

I remember writing in my journal the night before I got the call about the accident that “there are no catastrophes to deal with.” Immediately following were the most tumultuous catastrophes– in succession– that I have ever had to deal with.

Somehow, this character must merge with its opposite:

Happy Larry who is possessed of a genuine self confidence that sustains and releases him.

Integration of the selves. The disparate parts recognize each other and relax into a system of interaction and harmony. A whole character emerges that derives its energy from the functioning of the various selves.