August 19th, 1977
Huge upswing to my life. September 1st I move to Dennis’ apartment. Just up the street. Finally– after one full dreary unsettled year of living in Mary’s apartment. Jim will stay here– his brother is going to share with him. Finally– my own home. Finally I am out of debt. On an even keep financially. Living alone will be so different this time. This time I am not drowning in emotions.
The incredible emotional turmoil I encountered after my father’s death seems to be subsiding. It was a frightening onslaught of grief and guilt and relief and fear. I was overwhelmed by my feelings for nearly three weeks. Last weekend I flew back to Missouri just to see Mom– to establish the fact clearly both for myself and for her that I am not impossibly far away. God how I love that gutsy woman. How strongly my feelings are surfacing for all the members of my family. I love them all so much. And what a sad story that my father’s tragic problems– his violence– prevented me from loving him– from having a loving relationship with him. We did love each other– but I hated him as intensely as I love him because of his violence.