Discover more from The Last Hundred Miles
August 23rd, 1975
Gray overcast morning. I am sitting in my robe at the dining room table, which is strewn with dishes, newspapers, cigarette butts. The remains of a late dinner. Jim Gregory has become a life insurance agent and last night sold his first policy to me. A $15,000 life insurance policy. Maryjean and a friend, Ann, from Nebraska, came out also and it turned out to be a long beer drinking night with lamb chops broiled outside on the grill.
Richard is getting off early today and we are driving to Rehobeth for the weekend. Almost no one from the beach house will be there– so we’ll have the house to ourselves.
So many things on my mind that I have not been writing about. Mainly something which began in Florida on vacation. While we were in Daytona on the way back we went to a gay bar one night, picked up a man, and the three of us went back to the motel and had marvelous sex. He was a beautiful guy– mid 30′s– gentle and sexy. We explained to him how nervous we were– that we were lovers and had never done anything like this before. The three-way was great– everyone making love to everyone else. There was no guilt, no recriminations, no jealousy or hurt. In fact, it was exciting and seemed to add a new healthy dimension to our relationship.
It was something that I thought would never happen. But every aspect of the incident was so perfectly timed– so devoid of murky pains on jealousy. Monogamy has never been a very logical point to me. The core of sexuality is an internal fantasy and not really based on reality. Yet, I know and have known, that when you are in love and living a very close life together, where everything is shared so intimately– that individual sexual experience can destroy. As hard as Richard and I both work toward our life and goals, how crushing it would be for me know he is sexually interested in someone other than me and his love and energy is going in another direction.
But– in a mutual sexual experience, you can be honest with your own desires and fantasies and still express your steadfastness to your relationship.
The point I am trying to make is that you cannot make regulations on sexual possibilities that can be generalized. For one couple monogamy may be a totally satisfying way. For another couple total personal freedom may be the best way. For Richard and myself, I know that first sexual experience with Eddie in Daytona, Florida was just perfect. It was a marvelous way of facing up to and accepting the sexual wages and fantasies of both Richard and myself without losing our own intimacy.