August 24th, 1981

I slept late. John and Wendy were up early getting ready for work. I came downstairs to a quiet house– Luke lying in the living room watching me, thumping his tail against the mattress. I couldn’t find coffee filters, so I made a pot of coffee without one. And now I’m out on the patio having good strong coffee and cigarettes. Today I’ve decided to stay in– to read, write, nap. As the week progresses I have more to do. I want to prolong this non-activity another day.

John and Wendy are so gracious and warm. They seem truly pleased by my visit. I find it very interesting to find myself a guest in a world that used to be mine and which is little changed. Interesting too to observe the dynamics of the relationship between John and Wendy and the life together that they have created. I find John odd in many ways and continue to experience ambivalence toward him, despite a genuine desire to love him. I have always felt that John is not entirely comfortable with me. I feel as though perhaps he would just as soon not find himself left alone in a room with me. Wendy is the medium through which we communicate and relate to one another. John’s characteristics are intellectually generated, unlike the emotional impulses through which Wendy and I perceive the world. He experiences the world through intellectual faculties. He is reasoned, disciplined, precise man with little patience for disorder or imperfection. Yesterday, Wendy forgot to bring the cooler with our lunch– a discovery we made when we got to the bay. A silly mistake which we easily solved with a short trip to a nearby store. John was clearly irritated by the event, however– and immediately became ill tempered. Before we got on the boat, Wendy warned me that John takes his sailing very seriously and has a tendency to bark orders and be severe on board. We must not take this personally or be offended, she said. It was an admonition I had already perceived. His behavior as captain of the ship was indeed no-nonsense, and I stayed as much out of his way as possible. Once I was inside the boat putting on sun tan lotion when I heard him sternly scold Wendy for not moving fast enough or paying enough attention to some command he had made. Later in the evening, as we returned home from the ice cream store, John snapped that we should turn and walk down a certain street, rather than pass the Metro station where a group of people were. It is his tone and bearing, that of protector, that annoys me. His behavior is that of a daddy– an adult in a roomful of children, a man in a roomful of silly women. This attitude might be charming were it not based on such impatience and condescension. I am often charmed by men who exude a masculine attitude of dominance. With John I feel the same fear I always felt with my father– let’s be very careful not to make him mad. I have watched hostility and anger flash suddenly across John. That night in New York when I was robbed and we couldn’t get into the apartment. Saturday on the way home from Eastern market, he seemed ready to fight a couple of rednecks blocking our way in their car in an alley. John can be provoked to anger easily– and that makes me very uncomfortable around him. My childhood was spent walking on eggs so as not to arouse the brutal violence of my father. As an adult, I still recoil from personalities that are easily provoked. John’s macho attitudes are not justified by that psychical masculinity that one expects. John is a slight, small man– delicate and graceful. He has the body of an athletic young boy. I find his posture of commander-in-change to be rather ludicrous– a banty rooster.

So really, it seems, it is I who am not comfortable with John. It is I who would prefer not to be left alone in a room with him. A realization which is tampered by the fact that John and I do not have to love each other. Our connection to one another is based only on our mutual love for Wendy. He is Wendy’s lover and I respect his role in her life. Although, I must admit that I am truly baffled by their on going relationship. They are affectionate and happy with each other– but I have never sensed a deeper element of passion between them. I have never observed that strong current of need in Wendy that was so much a part of her obsession with Randall. But, it is certainly not my business to understand or pass judgement on their relationship. This is their world and their life and I am here for a short visit. John and I treat one another with civility and warmth– and that is all that is necessary. Live and let live. John is good for Wendy. He loves her and makes her happy. And because of that he has a very special place in my heart.