August 27th, 1982
DAVID SAYS: “Dare To Think The Unthinkable”
“It’s like peeling an onion— peeling away the layers”
I choose to be a fat sissy.
I choose to be financially insecure.
I choose to be in a living situation that denies me the sense of it being my home.
I choose not to have a career that I regard as useful and satisfying.
I choose to be lonely.
I choose to be ashamed of my body.
I choose not to be happy.
I am the way I am because at some point I determined that it was in my best interests to be that way. I chose ways of being because of the specific payoff I perceived in relationship to being that way.
There is a specific reward to my pain. I get something I need by my suffering.
What do I get by remaining a pathetic, insecure, unloved and hopeless lonely fat man who loathes his body, his life, his job, his apartment and who never seems to find what he is looking for in life— love and a home and a great career, money, good looks—
What pleasure does this pain bring.
Who would get off the hook if I were to be happy and get everything I want out of my life?
Is this a way of punishing my parents? Am I unable to forgive my father and mother?
By giving myself these things, I would be denying myself the chance of getting what I think I really need— which is their love— and proof of their love by them making me happy and providing me with a home and security and love.
And so I sabotage all attempts at happiness— the money I could have joined a gym with got piddled away on a dull vacation in Providence. I am unable to relate sexually to Joe.
This is all verbiage. I still can’t feel what it is that I get from not being happy. If I could connect with that I think all these pieces would fall into place.
That’s how I think this puzzle should get solved. But that doesn’t solve the problem.
It occurs to me that what I’ve done tonight is a mini-fourth step— made a fearless and searching moral inventory. I think I’m going to work the step on this situation— Larry the victim.