August 31st, 1979

A week now of wondering how all of this could have happened; how could a romance for god’s sake, turn into violence and emotional damage. The emptiness I have felt since it happened makes me feel that the entire romance was some weird contrivance of my past. I was never in love with Robert and I knew it all along. I knew that the vital signs were missing. And I perpetuated a hollow relationship until the pressures of maintaining it erupted in violence. The fury he turned on me in his drunken rage was not just an alcoholic anger; it was too intense, too pure. Robert hated me. Two grown men caught in the same trap of pretending to love.

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Telephone call to Grandma:

Simple minded

Fake laughter

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How could I have allowed myself to remain in a relationship for so long that was not making me happy?

How could I have allowed myself to remain in a job for so long that was not making me happy?

How could I have allowed myself to remain in a city for so long that was not making me happy?

INSECURITY, Darling, INSECURITY