December 28th, 1981
Two recent events have had profound significance for me. The dream about my parents and sex with the cop. The dream has freed me from the bondage of my childhood needs. And the sexual experience with the cop has brought into focus a neurotic part of my personality that was an outgrowth of those unmet childhood needs. The need for my father’s love, and my guilt over it— became sexualized into a need for a strong, authoritarian father-figure capable of both protection and punishment. A cop is the ultimate embodiment of all those characteristics.
Somehow having actually had sex with a cop has reduced its erotic significance for me— it has destroyed the power of the fantasy. It brought it into the realm of reality and the actuality of the event bears no resemblance to the compulsion of the fantasy.
I have stopped masturbation. I have stopped indulging in pornographic fantasy. I’m not sure why. It feels as though my Higher Power is telling me to. Somehow these old tapes prevent new, real needs from surfacing. I feel emotional and on the edge of pain. I am deliberating bringing my sexual needs to the surface.