December 3rd, 1981
Conceptualization is the foundation of identity. The capacity to conceptualize our lives is the way in which we judge and determine whether our experiences are rewarding or unfulfilling.
We are the architects of our own stages. We set the stage, the scenery and provide the background for each daily scene.
We are active participants in our daily creation.
The power to create— to fulfill the conceptualization.
Negative conceptualization— the hope that one doesn’t get hit by a car today.
Negative conceptualization is basically self pity.
My life has become one of negative conceptualization. I see myself as victimized by the demands of my job and unaided in my need for direction— motivation.
“Step Three: Made a decision to turn our lives and our WILL over to the care and protection of God, as we understood Him”
The third step is the surrender of our powers of conceptualization to the care and protection of our Higher Power. I have been so goddamn miserable and unhappy (leading up to this collapse in the hospital) because I have mouthed the idea of turning my life and will over— without giving up the controls. Yes, I will turn my life over to the care and protection of my Higher Power— BUT I want expect to be cared for and protected the way I think I should be. When my Higher Power doesn’t deliver the expected goods on time, I hold my breath and stomp my feet and go into the hospital.
I have to be willing to surrender my powers of conceptualization. It’s not just that I turn over to God the expectation of care and protection— but also the conceptualization of what will make me happy.
To surrender my will, means that I surrender all nations of what I want or need and to develop— (or become willing to receive) daily definition of my own house.
All the pain and confusion of the past couple of months have been leading toward this. I suddenly feel calm and free.