December 8th, 1976
So much unrecorded history.
The on-going saga of Richard and myself continues to swing high and low through my days. Now it has become so much sadness.
After our split in September– which ended on a note, ultimately, of budding self-confidence on my part and a very positive attitude about the future for Richard– we maintained for several weeks a very good, healthy relationship. We spoke often, I would walk over just to visit fairly regularly.
Then one Sunday he called while I was away and spoke to– and carried on an hour and a half telephone conversation with Gregg. When Gregg first told me I didn’t react but I knew right away that at least for Richard it wasn’t idle chatter. I knew what Richard up was to. Later that night I let Gregg know how angry the call made me feel and how upset I would be if they decided to start seeing each other. Suffice it to say, that for a solid week I was thrown into an emotional confusion that was very difficult. It pervaded my consciousness for days. It made me really question Gregg as a friend. And literally ripped me to pieces to think that Richard would do that to me.
That single event has entirely eliminated any trust I ever had in Richard. I am so sure of his capacity to lie, and cheat and berate people in his life. Not necessarily his capacity for but his compulsion to. God, I feel so sorry for him. He seems so incapable of making himself happy. Behind my back, he continued to try and date Gregg. Gregg, flattered, and I suspect very intrigued was somewhat confused between his own feelings and mine.
I respect his reaction though. He finally decided that his relationship to me as a friend and roommate was more important to him than pursuing intrigue with Richard. In the meantime, I discover that Richard has had my oriental carpet thrown away. He looks me in the eye and denies it. My paranoia is complete. Meanwhile, day by day certain goals of mine begin to be reached. I am nearly out of debt. My job is great. My social world is highly satisfying. I am beginning to be happy. It is easy for me to dismiss Richard. I still love him, and I am sorry we cannot be happy together– but I must deal with the fact that we cannot. I wanted to love him forever, but my own needs cannot be ignored.
Though Lynn and I have heard sad stories of Richard going through severe depression, crying jags, near hysteria, talk of suicide, etc. I worry and fret that my current obvious hostility has provoked this. I want to call and be kind to him and just let him know that I love him still and I want him to be happy– My attempt to enter Richard’s life right now would only confuse the issue. He needs to deal with the facts of his life; not confuse himself with my pity. I am so sure that I do not want to give him a part of my life; that I long for so much more than a relationship with him–
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Life goes on of course on 40th Street, N.W. Gregg and I are very happy together as roommates.
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Lynn flew to South Carolina last weekend to a dental clinic and had all of her upper teeth pulled and false teeth. Much agony. God she’s a trooper.
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I continue to fly and drift through my days.