So it always comes back to this. The huge internal difference between my initiative self and my responsive self. Between “being in control” and “feeling.”

And, I think because I cannot reconcile the two, I find myself being either extremely one or the other. Why can I not balance it? I love rushes. I love to feel– strongly. So I smoke until I’m OD’d on cigarettes. I drink until I’m blind. I do poppers until I’m ready to pass out.

A time for decisions.

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Do I really have to make a decision between doing and feeling? Isn’t there a balance.