February 2nd, 1979

Dick would embarrass me socially. My friends would wonder what Larry was doing with this old sissy. There isn’t a thing interesting or imaginative about his life. He’s a bore. He is not at all pretty or handsome and he’s overweight.

—-

I am deeply moved by his affection for me. I know that, right now, this 37 year old computer programmer is thinking of me. I know that he has already decided that he wants me in his lonely life. He wants me to be his lonely wife.

—-

I must resolve this conflict between the pleasure I felt with Dick last night and the evaluation I have of him as a person.

—-

I want to hide Dick out in a hidden part of my life and go to him for the warmth and security of such adoration yet keep him away from my real world. I want to take the love he has for me and not have to come up with any response. The response would be love– and I have no love to give him.

So what you’re saying, Larry, is that you want to have a good time with him but you don’t love him and you don’t want to make any commitments– emotional or time-wise.

Isn’t that the same spiel we heard with Bob?

It’s that I can’t pretend to be in love anymore. I even pretended with John– just a few months ago. Now I can’t.

Good God, Larry– give Dick a chance to at least be your friend.

But, damn it, Dick is not even the type of person I would seek out as a friend. We have nothing in common except for his attraction to me and my enjoyment of such adulation.

This all boils down to a sexual problem. You seem to need to transform your sexual partners into lovers. You feel guilty and unhappy about satisfying and pursuing your sexual needs– the sexual part of your personality– with another person without justifying it as the result of love. So you satisfy it privately by masturbating in booths in dirty bookstores and carry the rich treasures of your pornography home with you to your bedroom and those close private moments before sleep when you get gang raped by crowds of dirty gas station attendants. You get fucked in the ass by Garfinckel’s executives and submit to humiliating sex scenes with the entire crew of the Puerto Rican janitors at work. Wild lust with a crow of men that ranges…to just about every man you’ve ever met in your life.

Can you really ask someone to share something as tawdry and dishonest as a purely sexual relationship? Can you response yourself if you allow that to happen?

You’re looking for love and it’s impossible for you to compromise with sex. You have loved before– and you know the power of sex with love. Without love, sex has no meaning for you.

Bullshit… it has enough meaning in my life to occupy myself several times a day. I am an immensely sexual person and unwilling to admit it. I don’t like to admit that I lust. And how perverted my lust can be.

God, I just understood the meaning of perversion. It is different from aberration.

—-

Can you do more than one night with Dick?

I don’t know.

—-