February 6th, 1977

One feature dominates my time with Gene. It is a nearly overwhelming sense of peace and contentment. Whenever we come together my inner system becomes focused and balanced. The absolute rightness I feel at being with him fascinates me. There is something so good and honest about us. Our bodies are perfect together. When we sleep together we become one unit. I feel his heart beating and the warmth of our legs wrapped together. I cannot get enough of holding him. Touching him. Looking at his perfect face. When we are out together– on the street– I watch him constantly. Surely I have imagined him.

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It occurs to me that there has never been a male model in my life. My father surely never was. Perhaps, in retrospect, I have admired certain characteristics of my mother. It may be that my lack of automatic points of identification has been very good for me. It seems as if I’ve been on my own for as long as I can remember. My nearly total independence has given me a freedom to select models and to structure my world based on my own experience. Without brothers and sisters, I never felt the role of family member. Even as a child I felt my part in the relationships with Lawrence and Jeri to be almost that of an equal. And always I felt a certain uniqueness. I have always felt a strong sense of purpose to my life– a destiny structured around my ability to love. Which is, after all, the definition of life and art.

Current models:

Hanne: an imposing sense of self and beauty and grace. Clean spoken, sure, confident. Well put together– knows it.

Amie: quiet clear consciousness. Sensitive, honest, spiritual.

Raymond: Personal organization. Humor, joy.