January 13th, 1977

So much has changed within the past couple of weeks. Mainly in matters of my own consciousness. I have stopped drinking. Today will be my 16th day without a drink. The awesome fact that I could not remember a day when I had not gone to bed drunk terrified me. And the drinking was part of a complex structure of living for me that totally dissatisfied me. The whoring— the bars. None of it getting me anything but a ravaged body and a disconnected mentality. I’m not sure if I really have changed emotionally or if my new outlook is a result of not drinking myself into a depressing stupor every night. But I am thinking and planning this year with a high sense of self-confidence.

For the first time, my visions of being happy have become self-contained, independent. I am dealing with practical realistic matters such as paying my bills, budgeting my money, dieting, getting my car running, buying furniture. I am determined to get my body, my head, and my environment healthy and stable. The frantic emotionalism that has characterized my life for so long is vanishing.

Richard called me at work today and asked me over tonight “to talk.” Our latest encounter with the car tags has upset him. He fears my anger— what he knows to be my capacity to be vengeful. Richard has seen my worst. I think he is terrified at what I may do regarding the apartment. Actually, I would do nothing to jeopardize his apartment. He is so afraid of me— and would never believe how upset and worried I’ve been for him all week.

He made such an interesting point tonight. He said that “The Fall of the Roman Empire”— the beginning of the end of our relationships started after my job change. He described the Larry he fell in love with— young, long-haired, enthusiastic, working incredibly hard at Capital Hill Graphics. Well-read, somewhat wide-eyed and passionate about so many things. My concepts of gay liberation. And how totally in love he was with that Larry. Although I have never been aware of it— Richard says I changed drastically when I got the job in advertising at Woodies. He says I changed with my exposure to the affected homosexual world of designers and artists.