January 17th, 1976

3AM in the morning. I have been literally wasted since I got off work Friday night. And I’m loving it. God, how bizarre– the parts of me that I’ve suppressed.

Must write about late night last night Nickie– a 22-year-old madly in love with me. It touches me. I feel so much older and wiser.

Tonight Allen and I were at Mr. Henry’s for coffee and four straight people were sitting next to us. The young woman kept talking to us. Wanting us to join them– have a drink. We camped a little with them. GT’s– a mad crush of bodies. The grill– boring. 

How I love going out. The imminent possibility of adventure.

And I am really changing, too. I am about to have a beard. Four days growth and I look like a derelict. I don’t care. 

After walking home from Key Bridge today (rode a bus over the bridge from Nick’s) I went to the bank, got a six-pack and went to Jim’s apartment. Nice afternoon. Drinking. I hope I didn’t let them down. We all “tentatively” planned to go out tonight. Dancing. I am so broke. No money. Besides, I need to spend time right now with gay people.

All night at the bars tonight I was aware that if Richard were to walk in– I would try to pick him up. Assume I did not know him. If I were to meet him tonight I would fall for the same reasons.

When I left Jim’s today I walked back to the house. I crawled through the kitchen window– took my clothes off and crawled into bed, feeling all safe and warm. I woke up at 8:00PM to Richard bitching at me.

Had to leave.

Saw Joel last night. We talked and smiled. Weird world.

Off to bed without a lover.

I shall masturbate.

The hissing sounds of winter nights.