January 23rd, 1977
My life is lived in binges. I am composed of extremes. Sometimes the feelings are so primally intense that they burn and tear through my system. I long to transcend the passions of my mind. I long for a philosophy. An inner center of faith. I strive for this calming when I drink. Smoking endless cigarettes I jump in nervous circles. I burn and yearn with my fantasies. I live in a world of my own. I do not feel my own body or my environment. Somehow intense moments of pain arise during direct involvement with reality. The choir inside the brain begins its hypnotic chant of beckoning to the soft securities of imagination.
I’ve got to start living more directly in my body. In my physical world. I want to genuinely become reliant on a provident diety for the experience I have of life. I want to end the nervous manipulations of the world around me. The death-like fear of failure and not being loved. Really see what love is and see how unlike the weird dramas we carry with us about our own happiness.
Chaos seems to prevail. Lynn drove me to Hyattsville today to get my car. $204 for repairs. Expecting the car to be in running order. Discover the brakes are virtually nonexistent. Can expect to have to pay at least $100 to have brakes fixed. No money. Financial planning of every available penny to absorb this expense will take me at least two months. That’s two months of being virtually penniless.
I am utterly defeated with all this. For over a year now my entire life has been loveless and nervous. Desperately trying to figure out how I’m going to live. One huge, apparently unsolvable problem after another.
I have believed my own fantasies. The one’s I was bred on. I believe in true love. Loveless and aching on a midwinter afternoon– I affirm my belief that true love exists. I believe it exists in everyone’s life. We are given chances at love. Some people do not act upon their opportunities. Gene is another opportunity for love for me. I am young enough and brave enough to pursue.