January 27th, 1981
A date had been planned with Jerry, but he called on Monday to say he had an “interview” with a prospective roommate. Someone he had “met” over the weekend and “knew” through friends. He said he had no idea how long the “visit” would take but would call me Tuesday night. Which, of course, left me in the position of not knowing if I was going to get privilege of being asked over. And this business of his getting a new roommate has me seething with jealousy. His current roommate is an old affair that has been over for a long time. Jerry is such a goddamned sexy man that I cannot imagine any normal healthy homosexual being in the room with him for more than two seconds and not wanting to hit the hay. I also know that Jerry is not the type to be prudish about a good lay. A live-in sex partner. How convenient. So, to keep from stewing in the apartment, I decided to go our for a few drinks. Allan was meeting his current fling, Jules, at Boots, so I went there with Allan and had a drink with him while he waited for Jules. Frank was there and it seems that he and Jules are arch-enemies. So I left for Ty’s with Frank in tow when the hissing started. The subject of the new bar I’ve heard about, J’s came up and I tried to get Frank to walk over there with me. he wasn’t in the mood, so I left Ty’s and walked uptown by myself. The bar was closed– they have weird hours on Mondays and Tuesdays, the story is that those nights are orgy nights and the doors are only open for an hour. Whoever gets in during that hour stays when the doors close and the sex begins. Well, my timing was off and the doors were locked. So I headed back downtown and stopped for a drink at the Ramrod. Quiet night. A little number who only half-interested me was cruising me and had been at Ty’s too. I ignore him. (I found house later that he’s Andy’s hot new interest). Another friend of Andy was at the bar also, and I stood there and allowed him to bore me for a few minutes. He was a gross piggy man from Toronto who made it clear when I met him on Sunday that he liked me. I left him and wen to Badlands. Dismal crowd. Andy’s piggy friend arrives and I make my congé again and head up the street to Trilogy.
The bar is more lively and soon I am being cruised heavily by a jowly middle-aged man in a business suit awkwardly holding his overcoat. He buys me a drink and asks himself over to my apartment. I made an excuse and left for Ty’s. I immediately struck up a conversation with a guy with a British accent who was getting as drunk as I was. He pointed out to me that I was getting cruised by a very hot looking bearded number across the way who, he felt, might be my type. I know that he is cruising me too. I drink my beer and cruise both of them. Finally Mr. Beard comes over and before long the two of them are getting hostile with each other. I am amused by the scene. Being fought over in a bar. Mr. Beard informs me that he has herpes and has recently fallen in love with a number from L.A. who he would “kill for,” but he’s attracted to me and available for a warm cuddly evening if I want to. He leaves to stand across the room and allow me to make up my mind between what he’s just offered and whatever the British accent may have to offer. My god, they’re making offers now. Let’s Make A Deal. I put my coat on and leave both of them there and head up the street for a last act at Boots. Boots feels good and the crowd seems as drunk as I am. I don’t remember the end of the evening well, but I remember being fondled and kissed by a curly haired body-building god. I think I gave him my phone number. I think he’s a former trick of Allan’s. And I came home alone feeling hostile and sick from drinking and had a horrible day at work feeling like shit, hungover. If it’s sex I need, a warm body, I could have had it a dozen times during the night. Just What Are You Looking For, Laredo. I am looking for love. I am looking for a lover and a permanent relationship. I am looking for more than sex. And I’ve got a crush on Jerry and he is playing Mr. Cool to the point of distraction. I am dragging my emotional needs around like chains at my feet, hoping every day that I will fall in love. Or rather, that SOMEONE will fall in love with me. And I know that the world is full of love-starved gay men just like myself, o why can’t I find someone to settle down with and live happily ever after? Oh, it beats me. Beats the hell out of me.