January 29th, 1981
Another case study in desperation last night. A nice visit with Allan at J’s. The bar was comfortable and the crowd was nice, but it was a slow evening and Allan and I sat at the bar and talked and mostly ignored the men. We had a few beers there and then headed back for the Village. We had a beer at Ty’s, a beer at Boots and then headed for Badlands. The bars are nearly empty tonight and Allan leaves to go home before he even has a drink. I stay at Badlands for a while, then go to the Cockring and watch the dancing for awhile. Then I went to the Back Room Bookstore and paid my two dollars to find an empty backroom. Then I went to Ty’s and was promptly cruised by a not-bad looking number at the bar. We start to talk. We are both wasted but holding up. I can’t decide if I like him or not and when he has gone to the bathroom I leave and go to Boots. A few minutes later he came there and wanted to know why I had left him. I pretended to not to have known where he was. By not I am starting to like him and finally, at 4:00 I brought him home. We had perhaps an hour of growling sex which ended with neither of us cumming. I think we were both too fucked up. By now it is 8:00 and I asked him to spend the night. He informed me that he had a lover in Brooklyn Heights and also that he was tripping on acid and would never sleep. He dressed quickly and left without any mention of exchanging phone numbers. I sat on the floor naked after he left and felt severely depressed. Again. Another quick fuck. I found a magic marker and scrawled my name and phone number on a piece of paper and went out in the hallway in my underwear, thinking he might still be at the elevator. He was gone. I came back in the apartment and crumpled the paper into a ball and threw it across the room. Tonight, when I got home from work, there was a typewritten note in my mailbox from the neighbor below me complaining of the late-night noise.
And tonight, after two days of major hangovers and practically no sleep, I had a date with Jerry. Another night of good warm sex and hours of lying in bed naked, enjoying each other’s bodies, talking. Lying in bed together he asked me if I thought I could be his lover. I didn’t answer. He laughed and apologized and said it was an unfair question. I didn’t tell him that I have just spent the last month fantasizing constantly about just that.