January 31st, 1978
MINOR NOTES:
It is now just past midnight and my fever and apparent flu has passed. Something has changed. My living room is cleaned and in order and the weekend of hell raising is receding.
I called Joe this afternoon. He had told me yesterday that he would call me last night when he got off work (he works until 11:00). There was no call. Today he said that he had worked really late and didn’t think he should call. I asked him to call me tonight and not to worry about how late it was. If there is no call tonight something will change. If Joe were thinking about me as intensely as I have thought about him since we tricked the other night– he will call me. If he does not call, I will not want him anymore.
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Scratch Joe from my list of “Men I Have Loved.” It’s 12:40 and he should have called by now. I must be loved in return. That never happens. I must be despicable. From now on I am going to be mean.
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Being single is driving me crazy. I hate God.
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1:00 AM– no call. Shall I be mad? Shall I do Shirley Bassey and crawl for just one kiss? I shall do a Valium and a beer and lie on my sofa and listen to sad songs until I fall asleep and maybe tomorrow love will enter my life.
But no, I know that this motherfucking stupid God that controls men’s destiny is fucking up royally with me.
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Tomorrow I shall edit all this.