January 7th, 1972
I suppose that the reason I cannot seem to make any progress in stopping my neuroses is because I keep expecting to reach some magical state of grace– some level of consciousness and existence that I am aware of being far superior and more integrated than my present reality. I want the type of results in my life that I am reading about in Primal Scream– and experience of personality integration. I want an antidote for daily life. I want to become happy and stay happy.
I truly do not think that there are segments of repressed feeling in my brain. I know that I am aware of many voices inside myself that formerly– before this past year– I did not give credence to.
Why do I not feel that I am an integrated personality?
I feel that I operate on a very poor, blocked level of sensory awareness. Everyone does.
My behavior and reactions with other humans are usually of a very clocked aborted nature. I act out thousands of self-defeating neurotic symbolic dramas to be loved and needed. My personality is more manufactured than real. I am aware that my life is rooted more in performance than in actual feelings. I am out of touch with a total concept of organismic feeling.
I know that these problems, these dysfunctions together thwart my actions– keep me in a constant state of non-production.
* Don’t you see though that is still operating on the myth of actualizing a concept of yourself rather than self-actualization? You are worried and incomplete because your reality does not meet the requirements in your own mind for a productive turned-on life.
…remember the day you wrote in your journal, “reality is a let-down for me most of the time. As beautiful and gorgeous as everything is right here– right now– I still cannot manufacture that body/mind euphoria that I get with drugs. So Just feel sort of distracted and incomplete.”
Your entire state of existence is a struggle to actualize a happy Larry Waite. The real issue is to actualize THE Larry Waite that exists.
Still, this book on Primal Scream that I am reading is causing me to feel all my attempts at insight to my personality may, in fact, be more harmful than therapeutic. Insights should follow feeling. Sought for themselves, they may in fact block feeling.