July 13th, 1981
Tonight Larry is very very lonely. Mondays are always a jolt to my system. After relaxed seclusive weekends, the grind and of office drama, the crowded subways seem to take an emotional toll. I always want to collapse on Monday nights. Emotions loom large for me when I am tired. Mac called me at work this afternoon and I told him I would see him at St. Luke’s tonight. The mild sexual interest that has transpired between us is a lukewarm fantasy that will not materialize. Still, he is a friendly, bright man, and I enjoy talking to him. Joanne was sitting on the front row. She didn’t see me until the meeting had begun. She and I always sit together, and I was concerned that she not get her feelings hurt. Meanwhile, Bill, who I ad coffee with last night, arrived and sat a couple of seats away from me. We always acknowledge each other with a nod or a smile. He stared at me a couple of times and then turned away. I was confused. After the meeting I made a point of speaking went up to him and put my hand on his shoulder and asked how he was. Almost through gritted teeth, he replied “Fine”– and walked away. Then in the hallway as we were leaving, I asked Mac to wait with me for Joanne, who I felt I had neglected. We waited for a few moments, but she seemed deep in conversation and both of us were anxious to leave. Christ, I felt like I was juggling other people’s feelings all night. Mac and I went to Rumbel’s and had coffee and cake. We make conversation about work– he tells me about his job on Wall Street. We discuss Reno, Nevada and Lake Tahoe. I realize that I am sitting in a restaurant making polite empty conversation. Why? Because it’s important that I start making friends in the program. Because I’ll go mad if I spend another night hopping around the apartment in my gym shorts with the television blaring. Because I need to get laid, goddammit. Because I need to be held and hugged and kissed. But this nice sunburned man from Wall Street is not the one to do it. I come home and feel defeated by the quiet apartment. Allan goes to his jack off group on Mondays. The air conditioner hums. Sadie stares at me. My loneliness becomes almost palpable in the silent apartment.