July 20th, 1977
Back in the city. Feeling really crazy. First night out. It took two days to get ready for it. Exhausted. Sweating. Washington’s worst heat wave in history. Not knowing where I am. D.C. or Missouri.
The strange effects of my father’s death–
I feel like a man for the first time. In my own right. Masculine. Strong. Without having to compare myself to him. But more than that– feeling very confident because of him. My father has given me many gifts– which I am capable of claiming only now that is dead.
He was everything that I never have been. Shall I now become all that I have not been.
You old sonovabitch– now I want to be you.