July 25th, 1981

Today has been one of the worst days in sobriety. Out of nowhere, triggered by nothing in particular– a day of pain and aching. From the moment I woke, from the second my eyes opened, I wanted a drink. The craving has not left me for one second. I’ve done all the tricks– ate a big dinner, went to a meeting, went for coffee, and now with TV blaring to distract me, after having just finished my pint of Haagen Dazs, smoking endless cigarettes–

I WANT TO GET DRUNK

I’ve just felt insane today. Tonight after the meeting I went to the street festival again– rode the Round Up by myself. And stood like an obsessed madman at a stupid game of chance and lost $30 in quarters. JESUS!!! I HATE MYSELF.

I HATE MY LIFE, MY STUPID PITIABLE DISGUSTING FAT REPULSIVE LIFE