July 27th, 1981

At the St. Luke’s beginner’s meeting tonight, Jurvis spoke of problems he had in his early sobriety with boredom. His alcoholic life had been ripe with drama and trauma and he found himself rebelling against the peace and tranquility that began to emerge in his life. I realize how precisely that is what happened to me this weekend. I’m embarrassed actually at the frenzy I worked myself into. There is nothing wrong in my life. This emptiness that I am experiencing is the very real absence of all the drama I have manufactured for myself all these years. Living on a financial tightrope has been a situation I have perpetuated all my life. Squandering my money, not paying bills, making absolutely no effort to control my money. Controlling my money and becoming responsible for myself would mean that I am accepting the business of caring for myself– and that by definition means that no one else is doing it. It blows my fantasy of being cared for– Which, to the child Larry means not being loved. And there is a genuine dramatic quality to living amid self created chaos. The fact is that circumstantial and emotional chaos can destroy you. It is a symptom of alcoholism. The lesson of this weekend is the revelation of this self destructive need for drama. It is not boredom I seek to escape– it is self destruction I seek.

Tonight, when I got home from the meeting, there was note that Phil had called. My heart began, literally, to pound. I called him and we had a long chat. He mentioned some current man in his life and I felt all the emotional muscles contract. We made plans to have dinner next Tuesday night. I absolutely will not obsess over this. I do want to see Phil for a very specific reason. I need to tell him I am sorry for any pain my drinking caused him. I want to apologize for last summer. I really cared for him, my feelings are still strong– but I must remember that my life is in the care of a Higher Power and what is mine will come to me. I need not plot or manipulate. If a love between Phil and me is meant to be, it will be.