July 30th, 1981

Allan told me that he had seen Phil tonight at J’s. I asked him if Phil had sex in the bar. Allan said he had. I told Allan that it is so crazy for me to get upset and feel pain even now, after all this time without Phil. Allan said my feelings are preposterous and neurotic and he has no sympathy for me. I asked him if he and Phil had sex tonight. He said no– but what if he had? There are moments when I despise Allan utterly. There are moments when I love him completely as my brother.

There is a monstrous hole inside, left vacant since Phil stopped seeing me. It is a hurt and a deep sense of loss and need. It is a cancer that I wish I could cut from me.