June 23rd, 1982

You see— the fantasy is this: the Ultimate Power of the universe is Love. And that this love— in the expression of a magnificent benevolent diety— has brought creation into existence. That the world and all life is a fabulous gesture of God. We are created to experience the joy of this creation— As God’s creatures— we are brought into this world to follow a course of nature and beautiful development. this Ultimate Power guides and directs and protects its creatures, leading them into joy and light.

Bullshit— look around. Nowhere do I see evidence of a Higher Power operating in human affairs. I am 31 years old and alone and unhappy because of it. If there were a Higher Power protecting and caring for me— I would, right now, this minute, have a lover. A handsome, dark, masculine husband who adores me. I would not be left adrift in a sea of daily tedium that leads nowhere. One month passes into the next and I watch my life pass away— my youth— my power— gone without ever having what I need and want. I prowl my days and nights— a desperate, increasingly cynical hunter— looking for a man to satisfy me. I bravely try to be patient— to believe that God is preparing the answer to my dreams. I am disillusioned and bitter. Not next year— not even next month or next week. Not even tonight. Why do I not have what I want NOW? Fuck God. Fuck Jesus. Fuck Mary. You have all failed me and left me alone. I am contemptuous, hateful, and bitter— and it’s your fault. Your creation has been ruined, spoiled through neglect.