June 24th, 1982

Meeting last night at Washington Square— Ben from L.A. spoke. Nearly a year sober, he described recent experiences which match mine exactly. Months of crazy despair— apparently not having his needs met— not finding a job, unable to pay the rent. Finally— THE ULTIMATE DISASTER, an eviction notice. Mounting anger and despair at God for not providing for him— thoughts of suicide. Somehow, although I’m not sure now, he decided to completely surrender. He realized that his despair was in direct proportion to his lack of faith. Well, boys and girls, when Ben did completely turn his life and will over to God, everything suddenly started working out. Suddenly we have checks in the mail and a fabulous job. I noticed, during the meeting, that my ashtray had been stenciled with the words “LET GO AND LET GOD”

Well, I’m afraid that I’m missing some very important steps in this story. You see, I too would love for those checks to start arriving by mail and for a hairy stud lover to show up at the apartment. That is my will. Turning my will over to my Higher Power simply means delegating responsibility for accomplishing my will over to H.P. But it’s still my will. How do you turn your will over? Pretend that you no longer want what you want?