March 18th, 1982

Today in therapy I realized that there was a time when my mother withdrew all validation for my life. As a teenager, she stopped supporting my emotional growth. suddenly I was growing away from her. In high school— she never praised my writing or acting. The deadline was speeding toward her— the time when I would leave and begin my own life. she loved me so much that she could not let me go. As an adult— a happy homosexual relationship would exclude her. There is no role for a mother there. But if I were married, she would have the automatic role of mother-in-law and grandmother. She would have a definite place in my life. So she silently withholds affirmation of my life as a gay man.

As a small child, I perceived my mother quite clearly as my only protection in the hostile world of my father. And a huge sense of responsibility and guilt was instilled. She gave her life for me. Without her, I will die.

So— when I started to become a person— an individual— she stopped supporting me. So I have spent my adulthood in passive immobility— waiting for approval that will never come. The great love of writing and acting that I have never allowed myself to pursue. The relationship that I continue to deny myself. Trapped by the belief that if I do certain things it will destroy my mother.