March 28th, 1976
A gorgeous day. A brilliant day. Has winter really ended? Can the earth be coming alive?
Where am I? Where is Laredo these days? I am hither and yon. I come and go. I blow hot and cold. I am ten thousand personalities a day.
I am still not able to accept the fact that I am alone– that I have left my lover. I don’t want to be alone. I am not good at it. And yet I condemn those weak qualities of myself that need so much to be loved and to be able to see the material facts of a secure life.
It’s this general drifting that I cannot deal with. This lack of direction to my life. I cannot just continue to exist without plans and goals. I think: “I want to be a writer” and yet I know that at 25 years of age my only effort with writing has been diary keeping. I say: “I want to be an actor”– and yet I know that requires years of study and effort. So much work, and so much effort, and so much study that you must pursue only that. That’s the cardinal and, apparently, the only rule. My teacher at Theater Club said once that “you can legitimatize anything.” Even being an actor. But you have to go at it tooth and nail.
And I need so many soft nights with warm bodies next to me– and well lit structured days.
Am I really crazy enough to be a star?
Me– who is so moody and crazy that I wonder how I manage to keep the few friends I have…