May 13th, 1982

Which is a circuitous absolution of my father— an explanation— an analysis. The therapy lies not in explaining the past. But in finishing the feelings. It was happening when I cried. As soon as the crying stopped and I regained my composure and started thinking about the feelings— the feelings were over. My willingness to begin to feel is tempered by the controls which regulate my sanity. David is not encouraging a dramatic plunge into pain— but a gradual development of trust and courage.

Time— gradual processes’—

I want to be thin and healthy and happy and in love tonight— right now.

I want it now.