Discover more from The Last Hundred Miles
May 26th, 1976
The past two days have been spent with Richard. He called me Monday and asked me to meet him for drinks after work. We met at Mr. P.’s. I got there early and sat and drank nearly an hour before he got there. Got totally drunk at the bar— came to my place to get Sadie— then back to his place for the night. A team again. The old Larry and Richard duet. Getting stoned on top of all the drinking. I cannot get into my old bed without sobbing. I cry hysterically. Richard holds me. Begs me to hold him, not to leave him. We go to sleep in each others arms and I cannot hold him close enough.
Richard is a battered little boy. I want to protect him. Added baggage to his mother’s life. Abandonment by father— always resented. Shuffled back and forth. The only genuine love coming from his gentle grandmother.
Richard, who by now has incorporated so much of the pain that it has become an internal mechanism. Richard who lies, who cheats, who plays games and cannot be honest. Richard who I want to love but cannot without somehow damaging myself.