May 28th, 1976
I am a tired man tonight. I had a day of incredible tension and effort. Crazy day at work. Got paid and only got one weeks pay. Expecting three. Thought today would take care of all my problems. Everything solved at once. Now this hassle. I should have known. Linda told me (payroll lady at work) that I would be paid for three weeks’ work. That did not sound logical to me. But it would have been so nice— and besides, why should I assume that it was misinformation (even though my instincts told me it was.) So for the past three weeks, I have been riding high on a big dream that suddenly I would solve all my problems.
So now this— in addition to two days of bizarre energy dealing with an Alpha-type technician being paid $100 a day to teach me how to operate the typesetting equipment. Real asshole. Wasting time with him and getting further and further behind at work. Still trying to maintain my calm demeanor. Everyone keeps telling me how calming I am in the office. Is it calmness or subterfuge? Teeth grinding, gut aching, depression of feeling. Today I slipped. Kelly caught my needs and tried to soothe me. God, sympathy. I poured out my problems to her. Lynn called me. I returned her call. A tirade. Threatening suicide to her. She tried to help me. Offering her next paycheck to help me out of this dilemma.
Cracking. Breaking. I called Household Finance Corp. This week they called to check on my late payments for this month. Then informed me of all their services— consolidation of bills, personal loans, etc. I don’t know what to expect. He was very cordial, casual. I asked for $1,000 to pay my bills. Actually, he named the price. Tuesday I am going to the office in Silver Spring— Lynn has offered to keep George’s car and take me— Mr. Morris informed me that he had shown his supervisor my application and that his supervisor thinks they can help me. Paranoia. What to expect? I can only suspend all thought about this until Tuesday. I will go berserk otherwise.
Kate Millet writing of loving men. The word, term provocative. My sexual obsessions are running thin. Tonight I am sitting home alone watching the Tonight Show— relaxing after a hard tense day. (Watching Sumo wrestling on television.) Two months ago I would be weaving, staggering about Mr. P.’s— going home with some pitiable guy who I would try to make a hero, my daddy, and then hate for not being what I wanted.
Thinking about how glad I am to be on my own. Stopped at Lynn’s after work. To relax— have company. Strong human needs. I was there until 11:30. I had dinner there. She had finished so I had fried liver, mashed potatoes and asparagus, and hush puppies. Drinking beer, talking. Hal refusing to eat mashed potatoes. Lynn so gently being good. Lynn who is good. And I feel guilty because I am borrowing money to pay off my despicable debts and whining and threatening suicide to Lynn whose wages are attached and who has $1,500 worth of funeral bills which she simply cannot pay.
Feeling good to get stoned with Lynn and then George coming in drunk and all of us talking away about great theories and mental reveries. The harmoniousness of the universe. The relationship of physics and geometry and mathematics to religion and history.
Balancing/centering the organism.
Still drinking and smoking.