November 21st, 1977
The basic element to my particular neurosis– the chief symptom– is a near complete inability to cope with the situation that I am in. My normal response capabilities seem to shut down and I am left mute. Literally. Often I am so washed in anxiety that I at least feel that I cannot speak intelligibly. Real or imagined. The key: feel your anxiety. The freak out comes from being anxious about being anxious. Let yourself be anxious and explore why you are anxious. If you are anxious, there must be a reason. Figure out that reason and deal with it. Learn your pleasures and your torments and learn how to be happy. And you have a right to do so. Not only to do so, but to identify your dislikes. So hard to do– because naming evil gives it a certain credence. It’s virtually impossible for me to hate. I always try to understand. I cannot, finally, hate anything.
My inability to hate– renders me passive. A dog lying on its belly.
Find out who and what you are– and what makes you happy. You will also find that you alone are responsible for your own happiness– or lack of it.
Why have I never believed that I had a right to be happy?