November 29th, 1973
My inner world amazes me today. Why am I so perplexed by the process of living? I am crawling with doubts and fears and pains. Why don’t I just know what I want, what will be the best thing for me? It should be as uncomplicated as figuring out whether I’m hot or cold. If someone were to ask me if I am cold– I would be able to answer immediately. Yes or no. Yet I do not know if I want to put an end to this entire relationship and let it drift into my memory, if I want to start right from here and start living all over again– creating a new, happier, more adjusted me– or if that would be another flight from reality for me and I would be killing something very real and vital (my relationship with Richard) and letting all my negative forces destroy love.
Today I must decide. Today and tonight. I will decide. I will take responsibility for my existence.
today– today.