November 30th, 1975
Weird days. So much to write about. So much to deal with.
My parents were here for Thanksgiving. They stayed most of the week.
But what I must write about is something very internal. The state of my mind. Weird.
On Monday I had another “attack”– exactly like the day Richard and I went to Great Falls with Lynn and George. Except this time there was no dope to blame it on. I had gone to mass at lunch, then walked down to McDonald’s to eat. As I started to eat– it happened. Identical experience. It’s very difficult for me to describe. It is an intense, uncontrollable experience of panic, anxiety. As if some electrifying jolt of electricity is pumped into my bloodstream. There is a facial numbness. I feel as though I am suddenly way back in my brain– a long way from my face. I feel out of breath. I know I am breathing but I lose all sensation of breathing. The anxiety/panic shoots through me like bullets. I feel as though I am dying or about to blackout.
Anyway, this happened at McDonald’s. I had to get up and leave. People were staring at me. I left my coat and lunch and just walked out. Outside on the street, the fresh air seemed to stop whatever was happening to me. In a few minutes, I walked back in and got my coat and left. The rest of the day I was totally exhausted. I left work and came home and slept.
I’ve thought of several explanations. At first, I felt certain that I had experienced a flashback from drugs. The experience is identical to a bad trip. But I talked to my parents and even told them what I suspected. They both said nerves. Nerves, nerves, nerves– all my life I have heard of and known, people…