October 23rd, 1977

[continued]

I keep returning to this ancient theme:

Self Hate.

I think that’s really the basis of these “moods” that I experience. Periodically I encounter physical and emotional depression. And, my philosophy tells me, DEPRESSION is DEPRESSING-FEELING. I am avoiding pain. And using every bit of strength that I have to do so. What pain am I avoiding?

(1) Continuing trauma over tooth

(2) Recent consideration of changing jobs

(3) Financial tightrope

(4) Grandmother going into hospital

And my father’s death still hovering in my life. Charles (Aunt Pat’s father) died of cancer. Famous people dying. Elvis Presley– Groucho Marx– Maria Callas– Zero Mostel– Bing Crosby– two rock stars from Lynyrd Skynyrd band

So I provide shelter for myself here in my apartment, my womb.

I just should not lose perspective as to all the blessings in my world. I should never lose sight of my good health, the love of my friends, my apartment, my neighborhood, my  job.

—-

What I am really trying to do on paper is expiate the guilt I have been feeling over having these several days of depression. Larry’s not doing a good job. Larry is collapsing. Well FUCK IT– let Larry collapse. Give the kid a day off. Accept the fact the body and the emotions go through regular coherent changes.