Remember clear bright Fall high school days at Parkview… driving to school in my own car– smoking a cigarette on the way. The world smelled of British Sterling and Jade East. Remember walking down the drive-way to journalism class— remember those classrooms– glass walls looking out on the grass between the wings– remember classes, and dramatics and English– and Kansas City and Candy and Melinda and Kevin and Tomato Productions. 

When the world was clear and bright and exciting– fun

When did it stop being fun and get so frantic?

I’m only 21

***

I remember taking Karen in my car one night in Springfield to the grocery store– something about getting a box for her cat– Htho (sp?). I came up with that name somehow. I remember Karen’s apartment there– I remember pulling my car up in the rutted front yard of that old building. I remember my mother getting furious with me for being there with her car– I hadn’t told her where I was going or something. I remember the two apartments Karen lived in.

***

Remember driving alone on those passionately beautiful sunsets to Edmond, Oklahoma– radio blaring– the new-inside smell of the car– class– the hotel– Naomi– the bar– dinner with Bob, Elanor– drinks with Mr. and Mrs. Curto.

Jesus– sweet God–

this year I have fucked up everything– EVERYTHING–

I should never have quit Army Times. Oh God, I wish I were dead. 

▢ yeah, but the past is the past. You’re in New York now. Grow up kid– you’ve got some heavy beautiful memories– but your present is pretty heavy too.

Stop this defeating whining–

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