An interesting comment was made at St. Luke’s meeting tonight. The speaker, a woman celebrating 90 days, said that throughout her life she had believed that she was destined for greatness. What a chord that struck in me. I have always nurtured the deep believe that I am full of raw undeveloped talent– and that someday it will be expressed. Consequently, I have viewed my entire life as a prelude. It may or may not be true that I possess talents that can be developed– but it seems that I have missed much, paid little attention to, disrespected a lot of experience because I considered it insignificant. My current life– my job, this apartment– all is significant to me only because I believe that it is leading up to something. Living in the now means that you value each day– each moment. I have always sought for people to perceive me, to judge me– not in the present tense, but in terms of what I am capable of– living on the pretense of my imagined future. I have been so frantic all my life to create and maintain my own illusions as to where I am heading, that I’ve rarely fully experience where I’ve been. I dream of being recognized by the world as a great writer. It is that recognition and the life that I suppose it brings that I dream of– not some deep inner satisfaction at creation with words. I am always so busy perceiving myself– that I miss the experience of being.
September 14th, 1981
September 14th, 1981
September 14th, 1981
An interesting comment was made at St. Luke’s meeting tonight. The speaker, a woman celebrating 90 days, said that throughout her life she had believed that she was destined for greatness. What a chord that struck in me. I have always nurtured the deep believe that I am full of raw undeveloped talent– and that someday it will be expressed. Consequently, I have viewed my entire life as a prelude. It may or may not be true that I possess talents that can be developed– but it seems that I have missed much, paid little attention to, disrespected a lot of experience because I considered it insignificant. My current life– my job, this apartment– all is significant to me only because I believe that it is leading up to something. Living in the now means that you value each day– each moment. I have always sought for people to perceive me, to judge me– not in the present tense, but in terms of what I am capable of– living on the pretense of my imagined future. I have been so frantic all my life to create and maintain my own illusions as to where I am heading, that I’ve rarely fully experience where I’ve been. I dream of being recognized by the world as a great writer. It is that recognition and the life that I suppose it brings that I dream of– not some deep inner satisfaction at creation with words. I am always so busy perceiving myself– that I miss the experience of being.