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September 20th, 1981
Simply: my feelings for David changed, almost overnight, from intense passionate romance to detached affection.
AND I DON’T KNOW WHY.
David is miserable and confused– understandably. And I am not sure what I should, or should not, do about the situation. I feel both silly and guilty that the romantic ardor that I laid at his feet a month ago should have faded and ceased to exist.
It’s difficult and somewhat dismaying for me to admit the fact that I don’t know a great deal about myself. I am subjected to erratic, often sudden, mood changes. I am driven by often contradictory needs and desires– whose origins lie buried in my childhood and which remain mysterious and incomprehensible to me. For years I dragged myself into oblivion on a daily basis– and never dealt with reality or real feelings. It’s not that sobriety is causing me to be inconsistent, but rather, for the first time in my life I am aware of what a fucked-up, inconsistent, egotistical, self-destructive neurotic I am. And it is very important, at this stage in recovery, that I not try to regulate and control my feelings– but to go through them. I am not a very good person to be in love with right now. And I do not think David has the inner strength or self-confidence to endure all the changes I am going through. David has stars in his eyes– and gaping holes inside that he desperately needs to fill with love.
Which is to say– this romance isn’t working out. I feel that we should stop seeing each other– for David’s sake, because I think the situation in confusing and frustrating and bad for his self esteem– and for myself, because I don’t want to feel hassled or guilty or responsible for not meeting someone else’s needs.