September 21st, 1981

Another nightly bulletin from Mr. Bizarre. Yesterday, David and I had a date to go to a movie. I spoke to him late in the afternoon and suggested that perhaps a talk was in order– I had every intention of of going to his apartment and telling him all the decisions I had reached and that I didn’t think we should continue to see one another. to my surprise, he said he thought he fully understood all the issues and felt like he was in a position to deal with me the way I am (foolhardy boy…). Again, I was deeply impressed by David’s sensitivity and understanding. I kept wanting to add that I thought we should feel free to see other people if the situation should arise. But, I hesitated, and never said it. The conversation ended with me getting my way (spoiled brat, as usual) which was a completely relaxed attitude toward each other. None of this operatic romance, walking hand-in-hand into eternity. Rather, a casual , healthy dating situation. And we met for a movie– had a nice evening, and said goodbye at the subway.

And now tonight I am sitting here in a rising rage listening to the sound of David’s telephone ring. I went to a meeting at St. Luke’s tonight (Jeanne spoke). I had talked to David at work earlier in the evening– and asked if I could call him later. I am jealous and boiling and mad at myself for feeling these feelings.

Well, this does it. The suggestion to avoid relationships during your first year of sobriety is well-taken– finally. This has shown me clearly how fuck-up I am. Simply, the confusion hurts. It causes pain. And I don’t know how to handle pain. I will not call David. I’m sorry this didn’t work out. And tonight it hurts like hell. I only want this hurt to go away.