September 26th, 1976
And here we go again. Another major change in my life. This one so sudden. So natural. I can only cooperate.
I am moving. A couple of weeks ago, Rosenberg, Lynn’s boss, happened to be in the building when Hollis, the janitor was repairing our garbage disposal. He needed help, so Rosenberg came to our apartment. Needless to say, the cats and Sadie promoted an immediate phone call to the office and the next day I received a letter giving me 30 days to remove animals from premises or to vacate. Knowing that Gayle’s mother, although still renting her apartment, had not lived there for some time– I called Gayle with the suggestion of my moving in. As it happened, Gayle’s mother is going through serious financial crisis now and has not been able to keep the apartment. So, she is taking her personal belongings and I will take the apartment, at least until January.
The saga continues– Richard and I have just gone through an incredibly unhappy three weeks.
In fact, we’ve made each other miserable. Analysis escapes me. I have spent the last four years of my life analyzing Richard and myself. There are a thousand reasons why we make each other unhappy. Sad, miserable reasons, because I love him so much. God knows I want to live happily with him. But, the fact remains I never have. Our happiness together has always been packaged between layers of great turmoil and dissatisfaction. I know that he and I still care for each other very much– but our world together has always been one of constant chaos and turmoil. After four years neither of us can handle it any longer.
So, the fact is: I have to move because of Sadie; Richard chooses not to move because of our failure to be happy together.
So here I am on a quiet, grey, bird-chirping Sunday morning in Gayle’s mother’s apartment, waiting for Mary to come and get her personal belongings. Fate astonishes me. This apartment has been in my consciousness since I moved to Washington. Now, years later, I will be living here.
And there is more to the saga: Gregg, who I have been seeing for the past few weeks is going to live with me. My feelings are totally ambivalent. I don’t want and cannot handle a lover-relationship right now. I must have total independence. Yet he and I get along so well and I’ve been explicit with him in my feelings about “marriage” and my need for independence. He says he understands. Richard said that too.
We shall see. At any rate, this happens to be one of those crazy situations in Washington where the rent on the apartment is absurdly low. $133 per month for a two-bedroom apartment. Split in half my rent will be $65 per month. And that, dear readers, means that in very short order, Larry will end the financial chaos in which I have existed since January. I must say, however, this apartment is a dump. Ok– a dump with lots of potential. Right now it is dirty and dingy and crumby. But the apartment itself is a comfy old Glover Park home– and I can see, with a little effort Gregg and I living very well here.
So here I am on a Sunday morning alone in a strange dingy apartment. Richard and Lynn are back in my apartment, our apartment having coffee and working a crossword puzzle. Gregg and I will spend our first night here tonight. A whole new world is staring me in the face. All I want to do is have a good cry and go home and take a nap with Richard. But I can’t. That’s over and I have so much to do.