September 28th, 1975
I’m so goddamned depressed tonight. My mind is racing in a hundred different directions. All of them negative. It’s not just one problem on my mind. It’s everything. EVERYTHING. Richard and I are three full months behind on every bill we have. We are hundreds and hundreds of dollars in debt. And we don’t have a goddamned thing. This house is a complete and total wreck. And our credit is shot to hell. We won’t even be able to get the things we need to fix this place up. We’re writing hot checks like crazy. My job is one complete nerve-wracking dead end. I hate the job passionately, but I’m stuck with it. We don’t even have any furniture anymore. For what it was worth, at least we had a home in Arlington. The insurance on the car has been canceled for non-payment. We’re probably going to lose the property in Florida. Everything we own is shabby and tattered. We don’t even have decent clothes to wear. I look ridiculous going to work every day.
We drink too much. I am probably an alcoholic. I get drunk every day of my life. I smoke two and three packs of cigarettes a day and look like I’m 35 instead of 25. My life is going absolutely nowhere. I know I’ll never go back to school, never get a degree. Richard and I have hit rock bottom in our sex life. The threesome scenes we’ve tried have devastated my ego. I don’t turn Richard on at all anymore. I am learning to hate myself more and more every day. My family haunts me all the time. I sometimes feel how much I need them– I sometimes feel how much I want to stay away from them– I always feel guilty about it.
I have no friends. Margie– Gail– Peggy– Ed– I have no friends at all. I have been having weird feelings lately that I am dying.