April 12th, 1971

(eternities later… same night)

The roots to my psychosis are ancient and deep. What took place so long and far away is so binding. The nightmare twists and contortions of my brain will never be untangled.

I just went through a minor nightmare. Ed and Lennie just made it on the floor while I was asleep on the sofa. Peggy went home early and I crashed while watching television. When I woke up I heard them– it was evil and naughty and dirty and obscure and I hated them so totally. I felt like I was back in my attic room listening to the noises in the night below. God how I hated them. 

Then there was a knock on the door and I felt very triumphant and gloatful. It was as if I had been trying to figure out a way to let them know that they weren’t fooling anyone. Peggy came in and just stood here in the awkward dark silence and said: “A roach just crawled across the bed.” And I had this terrifying reality of her waking up all alone in that cold apartment– on that mattress on the floor with a terrible roach crawling across the mattress. And over here, Ed was pumping away at old Melinda, Larry’s friend.

Jesus, sometimes I can neither comprehend nor accept even a glimmer of warmth from the human situation. The whole scene is cold and animal-like.

Real salvation must be…