December 27th, 1977
RICHARD’S DEMISE – THE ORDEAL
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I knew today that I should not ignore Richard’s condition. Although entirely self-provoked– his sickness is nonetheless real. First I talked to Lynn. She feels that when someone is in the process of attacking themselves your efforts are of little use. Like my mother, her basic advice is “stay away.” Guilt gnaws at me. I remember so many things– and loving him so much– and getting so much strength from him. I cannot let him die.
At work I get a telephone call from Lou, his roommate. He is concerned over the condition in which he found Richard Christmas night when he returned home. Neither of us know what to do. I attempt to take command. I tell Lou that I will call Sandy in South Carolina and also check with the mental health services in town (again).
I called Sandy and told her the details. I tried to be very clear about the fact that I regretted any alarmism I might be presenting, but that my alarm was intense. It was a big decision to make to call her. Calling his family into the situation somehow confirms the fact that this is a valid emergency.
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Goddam you, Richard, don’t you die on me. I’ve had enough. I won’t accept this. You have no right to make me grieve again.
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So, Sandy did call Richard tonight and as I suggested she told him that she was just really anxious for him to come to South Carolina and not wait for anything. She made it seem as if she was in a real need to see him. Later, I spoke with him on the phone and he told me with such pride and happiness that his sister had called and “told me to get my ass down there in two weeks– not to wait.” Someone is calling him. Someone is saying– “Richard come here. I need you.”
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I decide maybe I should have Richard move in here with me. When I am talking to him on the telephone I want so desperately to say– “Richard, be my lover again. Come back. Let’s live together and do it all again.”
Oh, I know I can’t do that. I know that that means the end of me. I know that I won’t last long that way.