February 16th, 1981

I feel like Dorothy when she finally got back to Kansas. Wild fun day yesterday ended with Doug in Rutherford, New Jersey, and I nearly had a nervous breakdown with anxiety this morning over getting my faggot self back into Manhattan. Doug is a complete bore. This visit to his apartment in New Jersey was even worse than I had imagined. Lifted whole out of Diane Arbus’ worst imaginings. The point of all this is that I’m developing a focus, a perspective on my sexual preoccupation with dumb men. It’s like the card I gave Andy for Valentine’s Day, Whip Me, Bite Me, Fuck Me. Cum all over my tits. Treat me like the filthy pig that I am, then get the fuck out. I’ve got to accept the fact that my sexuality and my intellectuality are two entirely different matters and that I function better when I don’t get the two mixed up. It’s the same theme I’ve been dealing with since last winter and my trip to the Mine Shaft. I realize, Aunt Doris, that you must be tiring of my preoccupation with the NEW YORK MENTALITY, but the fact is, this is what I have been heading for.

And the new bar that Allan and I have discovered is the embodiment of the New York faggotry that I seek. Sex is open and upbeat there. It is not a cruise bar, it is a fuck bar and the men and the scenes are wonderful. Yesterday I went after quick trips to the Ramrod, Badlands and Ty’s and realized that the Village bars are boring my tits off. At J’s there was a slave auction being conducted by a motorcycle club from Connecticut. After the auction, I got sucked by a number in motorcycle drag who said he wanted to be my slave. I made him stand in a corner and not look at me. Then I went in the back and started getting sucked off by two men. I made one of them go over and get my slave who I then made watch as I got sucked off. I then brought him back to my apartment and made him crawl around on the floor and beg me to fuck him. I took a belt to his backside and then fucked him senseless on the floor. Then I went back to J’s and met Doug and found myself whisked away into the deadness of the New Jersey night. Today is a holiday and I am so glad to be back in Manhattan and my world. I am entirely happy.