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February 7th, 1982
Home from hospitality at Washington Square. I was very much aware all evening of how loved and loving I feel at that meeting. It is a weekly dose of strength.
Last night was a wonderful night of romance with Howie. I am left with loose ends. I have no background, no experience to draw upon to try to relate to another adult male in a healthy, loving way without all those stupid tapes beginning to whir in my head. films starring Elizabeth Taylor and Sophia Loren. Breathless love. Heartache and drama. Hollywood has deformed human love. All those feelings and passion which I have stored in my heart are grotesque romantic visions of love. Obsession. The need for possession. I remember living with horrible insecurity and jealousy that characterized my relationship with Richard. The evil, hateful paranoia.
Yesterday I took Howie a dozen roses. He made dinner for me. Candlelight and Judy Collins and an urgency that could be revealed only in the act of making love. I may not be able to use words. There are none available. I only have a vocabulary of neurotic romance. I cannot say out loud to you, Howie, that— and this moment— I love you with all my heart and soul. But I can say it with my body— with my mouth and tongue. when I am inside you and our bodies are moving together with the same primal energy and you look at my eyes— you know what I am telling you. And your silence answers me.
Obsessive romance smoothes its victims. It annihilates characters before love has a chance to begin. The consuming need will destroy its object of desire.
I want to give this romance a chance to grow into love. I will not allow myself to ruin this by coming on too fast— too soon— too much. I will not allow my Susan Heyward to rush in front of the cameras and steal the scene.
Just as sobriety has affected and changed every aspect of the way I deal with reality— so too, now I will allow it to change the way I deal with relating to a man in a loving and sexual way. I will work the program in this area of my life— as I have done with my job and the world at large.