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January 12th, 1982
Twilight over Missouri: this drama of Larry the lost soul unable to find love. Lovelorn Larry. Lonely-hearts Larry. This condition of perpetual lovelessness— cast in the role of a love lorn soul. If one wants anything in this world as desperately as I profess to want a lover— one gets it. Doesn’t one? The years of drinking and drugging did a great deal of damage. My emotional and sexual fantasies— born of childhood neuroses and deepened by alcohol and drug abuse— have stood like an invisible wall between my real self and the world, happiness. My sexuality, wrought in self-loathing and emotional need, has prevented me from loving or being loved.
I am a thirty-one year old man and I have genuine emotional and sexual needs. I am tired of being alone— I want to share my life with someone else. I want a lover. I want a physical life with someone else. I want to be held, and I want to hold someone in my arms. Love— mature healthy adult love— is beautiful. Why have I persisted for so long in this role of lost soul—
Oh the years of gin and Shirley Bassey. So long as I had my booze and my sad songs— I preferred the heartache at the bottom of the bottle— it supported my self-loathing— my self-pity— and the misery justified the oblivion I sought. A viscous cycle of pain.
Could it be that I have kept love out of my life all these years? That I am not really the victim of cruel fate— or worse— neglect by God. could it be that my isolation and tragic roles are self-created?
And if it is true— what do I do— how do I end this whining country western beer drinking sad song playing over and over.
the pleasure of pain— deriving pleasure from being hurt— mistreated— I have seen how self loathing permeated my intellectual self— now (perhaps through celibacy) it is coming into focus how this self loathing has manifested itself in my emotional/sexual self.
I want it to go.
Self hatred is a character defect
Admitted to ourselves, another human to God
Were entirely ready