January 25th, 1982
Allan’s plane had barely landed before he was in the bars on Christopher Street. Dragging tricks through the apartment at 1:30 am. I am in a rage that lasts through the day. I want Allan to go away— disappear— to suddenly not be in my life anymore. I decide that I have to move. This situation is unendurable. So I made a mistake. The enormous changes I have gone through the past year have made any communication with Allan impossible. I am repelled by his lifestyle— his spiritual cancer—
I carried all this mess with me through the day and into the meeting at St. Luke’s tonight. Sometime during the meeting, I started getting a sober perspective on this whole situation. It’s just like the realization I had a few weeks ago that lifted me out of depression about my job—
THIS IS WHAT IS HAPPENING NOW
Life is constant change. I am not stuck at this job for the rest of my life. It’s what I am doing now. I remember after I had been at Garfinckels three years or so thinking with despair that I would ever have another job. I remember the endless succession of drunken nights sitting at the kitchen table thinking that I would never get out of Washington. I remember how unhappy Wendy and I had become living with Chippie in Arlington— and thinking it would never change. Life is nothing but change— and it’s really very stupid to suppose that any given situation will last forever. How miserable I was at Gimbel’s last December— with no plans, no hopes of another job— one month later I was at Marke Communications. It’s stupid to peer into the future and wring your hands in despair. This happens to be the situation I’m in now— who knows what I will be doing a month from now? In my entire life, I’ve never lived anywhere longer than a year and a half.
Calm down, Miss Waite— Easy does it. One day at a time. Don’t project. Live in the now.
Do not allow mundane details to block the flow of joy through your life.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference.