March 27th, 1977

[continued]

The problem is that I keep imagining true love to be an all or nothing situation. And I lost a huge part of myself to Richard– things I can never reclaim. Perhaps. My innocence. In many ways, my youth. My vulnerability. 

Could I ever trust somebody again? Could I survive the pain again? Can I put an end to Richard? If I were in a room with Richard and Gene– who would I choose?

—-

See, the problem is this:

I can’t take back the things I gave to Richard. And yet I am faced with a situation in which I want to give the same things. By loving Gene can I cut out the real love and sexual attraction I still feel for Richard?

—-

See, the problem is this:

You won’t give those properties to Gene.

Establishing one solid thing that’s going to last; and giving it your love.